Month: February 2014

7 reasons you should only ever go to the cinema by yourself

Mine.

Metro

What do you do if you’re dying to see a film but all your friends have already seen it/refuse to on grounds of taste?

Do you just do nothing and wait for months for it to come out on DVD?

NO. You say to hell with friends, who needs them? You are going to be a strong independent adult who doesn’t need friends to go see a film. And it turns out it’s way better this way anyway:

1. No working around anyone’s schedule but yours

No more of having to postpone going to the cinema because one of your friends can’t ‘do that day’ or has ‘something else on’. It’s just you and you baby, just you and you. Now you don’t have to worry about finding the optimum time for everyone, just rock up to the cinema whenever you want, like a BOSS.

2. No more ‘one for…

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10 reasons online shopping is infinitely better than shopping in real life

Metro

Need new clothes but absolutely hate going shopping? Don’t worry, online shopping is here to save the day.

1. You don’t even have to get up

Your favourite spot on the sofa is safe. You don’t have to waste half the weekend getting there, standing in traffic and then looking for parking in central London. Forget those times when you’d get to Oxford Street feeling like you just ran a marathon, that is a feeling of the past…unless you need clothes for running a marathon.

2. Everything is one place

No more traipsing around! (Picture: Thiradech)

No more having to get socks on one floor then having to go on an expedition to find pants on the fifth. All the categories you could ever need are in front of your eyes.

3. No awful changing rooms

You can change in the comfort of your own room. No more having to…

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The 9 stages of going on a Tinder date

Metro

So you’ve gone and got yourself the Tinder app. Congratulations and welcome to the world of 21st century dating.  No more writing poetry by the flickering light of a candle to your paramour, this is romance on an industrial scale.

So many dating opportunities are now at you finger tips. You might not know what to expect but don’t worry, here as a handy guide, are the 9 stages of going on a Tinder date.

1. It’s not a competition! Match with someone you actually like.

Swipe to the right! (Picture: GabrielPevide)

Tinder is slow at first. Matches will be few and far between. You’ll tinker with your profile; change that selfie to a selfie with a cute animal. You’ll swipe everyone to the right to get the numbers up but soon you should realise that it’s not a competition, just match with someone who interests you.

2. A…

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Friday night, drunk couple fight.

funny-angry-furby-knife heartbreak009

Now, before you start reading this post, I should emphasise that this purely an opportunistic post. No opinion or moral to be taken from this (as if there is something positive to take away from my other posts.) Anyway, something amusing happened on Friday night and it would’ve been too long a Facebook post so I decided to put it here. But here it probably won’t even look that long, but hey as we all know, size doesn’t matter. Except during sex. You have to have a big dick to do the sex.

Anyway.

It’s 2am on a Friday night. I’ve just finished staring at the computer revising when I heard angry screams outside. I approached the window to investigate. The first thing I see is various items strewn across the pavement; a coat, a scarf, a knee high boot and a woman’s handbag. To the left, leaning against a lamppost, was a woman. She did not look happy. With one hand she was strangling the lamppost and holding her bare foot with the other.

“LOOK AT IT! THAT’S BLOOOOD ON MY HEEL. DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?!” I look to the right to see who she was screaming at. Standing at a safe distance, was as it turned out, her boyfriend. He looked scared.

“I TOLD YOU. IT’S BLOOD!” She screamed.

“I believe you darling, I’m getting us a cab, we’re going home.” He sounded tired and genuine.

She didn’t think so.

“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?”

“What? I just said I’m getting us a cab?”

“SAY THAT AGAIN!”

He had no idea what is happening. I had no idea what was happening. Her reaction made absolutely no sense.

“What did I do? I just said I’m going to book a cab.”

“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!”

The guy looked and sounded like someone just smashed him round the head. Genuinely had no idea what was happening.

“Wha? I’m just getting us a cab.” He was now repeating that as if thinking that if he says it enough times he will realise what exactly is driving her bat-shit crazy. I realised before him that anything he said would just make the situation worse. Poor guy.

“WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?” She was bellowing now. Attracting quite an audience from above. The lights were flashing on now like at a disco.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM IN PAAAAAAAAINN!” The guy moved slowly further back. He started speaking slower as well, as if to a child.

“I know. That is why I am booking us a taxi.” It almost sounded like a question.

“FINE BOOK THE FUCKING CAB. JUST BOOOOOK IT!”

“THAT’S WHAT I’M FUCKING DOING.” Now the guy started bellowing. But not to be outdone by the woman, he accompanied screaming with ferocious jumps. He literally leapt up and down in front of her face whilst screaming “THAT’S WHAT I’M FUCKING DOING!” over and over again.

Surprisingly, the woman did not seem to be phased by that. She just stared at him angrily. Finally she decided that she was a strong, independent woman who did not need no man to take her home.

“WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING CAB? WHERE IS IT? I DON’T FUCKING NEED IT. I’M GOING TO GET MY OWN FUCKING CAB!” Picking up her things she attempted to walk away proudly. Sadly, that was made impossible by the fact that she was only wearing one boot. So every other step, she went up by about 4 inches. She looked like she was on a pogo stick.

The guy stared at her for a bit and then caved in and ran after her. A few seconds later, in the distance I heard a faint bellow

“WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING CAB THEN YOU PRICK? I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU!”

And so close to Valentine’s Day.

Shame.